Martin (John Amplas), a young man who looks around 20-years-old, boards a train in Indianapolis, Indiana for New York. At night, he breaks into a sleeping car and sedates a woman with a syringe full of narcotics. She struggles, but he tells her not to struggle or be upset because she wont feel pain. After a few minutes, the woman falls asleep, and Martin has sex with the unconscious woman. Afterwards, he slices her wrists with a razor blade so he can drink her blood. The woman bleeds to death in her sleep.
In the morning, the train stops in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where Martin disembarks. He is met by Tata Cuda (Lincoln Maazel) an elderly and hostile old man who claims to be his cousin from the Old World. Together, they travel by another train to the town of Braddock, a dying industrial suburb. They walk to Cuda's large house where he shows Martin his living quarters. Cuda then accuses Martin of being an 84-year-old vampire from his old country. He has taken in Martin because he is family, but tells him, "First I will save your soul. Then I shall destroy you." Martin denies being a vampire and implies that Cuda is merely his uncle rather than his cousin. Cuda then puts up strings of garlic on the doors to his and his granddaughter's room, and then holds up a small cross when Martin approaches him. Martin takes away the cross, and even takes a bite of the garlic mocking these attempts by saying bitterly, "There's no real magic... ever". Cuda tells Martin that he can come and go as he pleases. But he also warns Martin that he will kill him if he kills anyone in Braddock. He also tells Martin to stay away from his granddaughter Christine (Christine Forrest), whom arrives home from her job that evening.
Cuda introduces Christine to Martin, but also warns her to stay away from him. But Christine instead strikes up a friendship with Martin who confides in her about his vampire heritage. When Cuda later confirms Martin's claims to be a vampire, Christine, not surprisingly, refuses to believe either one. She thinks that Cuda and the other members of her family have driven Martin to insanity by making him think that he is a vampire. It is never revealed if Martin really is a vampire, or just a shy and lonely youth with troubled issues. Christine is the only person that Martin gets the courage to talk to. When Christine's boyfriend Arthur (Tom Savini) arrives at the house for dinner, Martin stops talking and backs away despite Arthur's attempt at a conversation. Christine later confides in Martin that she hopes to leave Braddock someday with Arthur, even though Martin points out that Arthur treats her badly and is both verbally and physically abusive towards her.
When Christine sees that Martin won't talk to anyone else, she buys him a phone which he installs in his room. Martin begins to repeatingly call a radio talk show where he describes what it's like to be a vampire. He becomes known on the radio as "the Count" to all the listeners. But the patronizing host (Michael Gornick) thinks he's just crazy.
Martin gets a job at Cuda's grocery store of stocking shelves, hauling boxes around, and even gets to be a delivery boy for some of the customers. One of his customers is a certain Abby Santini (Elyane Nadeau), who becomes taken in with Martin. She is a very friendly young woman who is depressed when she tells Martin that her husband is unfaithful. But Martin still does not have the nerve to talk with her, so she is happy to have someone to confide in with her life problems. Martin phones the radio show host to describe his infatuation with the housewife and senses that she wants to have sex with him. When the radio show host asks Martin if it is a sexual problem that he has involving women criticizing him during sex, Martin replies that he has never had sex with a woman who was awake.
One day, Martin travels by train to outside Braddock to look for victims. At a supermarket, he follows a young woman (Sarah Venable) home to her posh suburban house. He sees the woman's husband (Richard Rubenstein) leave for a long business trip, and Martin decides this would be the right time for more feeding. Martin returns to the house after dark and breaks in through the garage door. But it is Martin who gets the surprise when he bursts into her bedroom to find her in bed with her adulterous lover Lewis (Al Levitsky). After a vicious struggle, Martin jabs both of them with hyprodermic needles with narcotics, and waits for the drugs to take affect. He drags the unconscious body of Lewis from the house to a clump of trees across the street where he kills him by shoving a broken tree branch into his neck and drinks his blood. Martin returns to the house where he has sex with the unconscious woman. But out of compassion and pity, he decides to let her live.
Martin begins to have romantic monochrome visions of his vampire past (real or imagined), where he drained blood from a young woman and was chased through the streets of a nameless European town by a torch-lit mob.
During one Sunday at church, Cuda brings home Father Howard (George A. Romero) who asks him about the possibility of exorcism and demon possession. Father Howard calls upon the elderly Father Zulemans (Clifford Forrest, Jr.) over at Cuda's request. Together, Cuda and Zulemans confront Martin his bedroom and attempt to perform an exorcism on him. At this point, Martin remembers (another real or imaginary flashback), in the Old Country of people trying to perform an exorcism on him, and he flees them. Martin then flees from Cuda and Zuelmas as well. A little later that night, Martin terrorizes Cuda in a children's playground when he puts on a Dracula cape and puts false fangs into his mouth to pretend that he really is a vampire.
One day, Martin finally musters the courage to talk with Mrs. Santini during a routine delivery to her house where he tells her that he's aware of her attempts to seduce him and wants now to have sex with her. After having sex for the first time, Mrs. Santini becomes more depressed for she tells Martin that her husband just left her because she discovered that she cannot bear children, and that her desires towards him are based on sex and nothing else. But Martin wants to stay with her and help her move on with her life. Martin tells the radio show host about his affair with the housewife and that he no longer has the urge to attack other women.
Meanwhile, Arthur meets with Cuda and tells him that he wants Christine to leave town with him so they can get married and start a family. But Christine becomes angry at Cuda when he tells Arthur that insanity runs in their family and he shouldn't consider having children with her. Shortly afterwards, Christine packs up and leaves Braddock for New York with Arthur despite Martin telling her that Arthur is abusive towards her. But her mind is made up. Before leaving, Christine tells Martin that she really has no ill feelings towards him and just wants to make a fresh start with her life. She says goodbye to him and promises to write. But Martin knows that with an abusive and possessive man in Christine's life, she probably won't.
Depressed over losing his one true friend, Martin phones the radio show host and tells him that he's getting "shaky" and wants to go out looking for more victims. That night, Martin travels to a rough crime-ridden area of Pittsburgh and attacks two derelicts in a alley, injecting them with narcotics. He kills one of them by silting the bum's wrist and drinking his blood. Martin is about to kill the second one when a police car shows up and gives chase. Martin narrowly escapes during a long chase on foot which leads from the garbage strew streets and through a local store. Martin runs into an old warehouse where a drug deal is going down. A shootout between the two cops and the three thugs begins where all of them are killed, leaving Martin as the sole survivor who casually walks away from the carnage.
One day, Martin finds Mrs. Santini dead in her bathtub, after she had slit her writs with a razor blade. Martin anonymously calls the police to report the body and leaves. He phones the radio show host one final time to say that he really doesn't need friends or people to talk to for he is his own person. But when Cuda learns about Mrs. Santini's suicide, is mistakenly thinks Martin killed her and made it look like a suicide as he's done before. Cuda walks into Martin's room while he is asleep and kills him by hammering a wooden stake through Martin's heart.
Cuda buries Martin's body in his back garden, while over the closing credits various voices from people are heard talking to the radio show host asking the whereabouts of "the Count".
“这电影在讲什么啦”，“看也看不懂”，“这跟爱情有啥关系”。
其实演员都没问题啊，不知道为啥有点食之无味的感觉，等哪天再看一遍如果感觉改变再来改分
这堆砌感好像重了些，浦东工人阶级表示难以 relate
细节视角真的非常上海。老一辈男女沪语来来去去互相嘲弄，徐峥和马伊琍对话使用上海话，转向玛雅就瞬间切换回普通话简直是充满了每个上海父母的影子。我在家也接受着这样的区别对待，父母对话时仿佛就用上海话在他们周围支起了一个屏障，允许小一辈的我围观却不欢迎加入。导致我上海话一直很差，听得懂但是不会说，就像下一辈白鸽的台词大多都是在普通话里夹杂几句上海话。他应该和我一样共享着一个文化圈层，我们幼儿园的那个时期正好是全民普及普通话。现在和我一起工作的partner也是上海姑娘，但不会说上海话。能将沪语说出倪虹洁那般水平的，都是上个时代最顶尖最嗲最正宗而使我们现在这一辈不可仰望的上海女人。她一开口，我骨头都酥了。
电影可以正面看，横着看，还可以快进看，边涂润手霜看，这样就好。
徐峥的角色简直是失意中年男人yy的天花板：有钱有房有技能、离婚但是他没犯错、儿子高高帅帅、生活小有情调、什么都会一点、做的一手好菜、能耐心照顾孩子发福但是没脱发、三个女人都喜欢他，一夜情一波接一波，这哪里是讨论中年人的爱情，简直就是爽文模板。跟人滚完床单还一副委屈巴巴的样子，总让人觉得像个完美受害者。
难得国产电影也可以像日本一样拍比较家常、靠近生活的题材，超出预期了
其实，只要是成熟的人的爱情，都有动人的力量，不分老年人，中年人还是年轻人。
喜欢这部电影，有意思，台词里的小机锋小心思，让人惊喜。中国要是有伍迪艾伦，也只能出现在上海。
3.5 像玩似的，感觉各位主创就像片中呈现，很可能一边吃饭一边唠嗑一边就把影片雏形给构思好了，显得特别放松；近期由此片所引发的热议乃至争执挺能说明些问题；正如疫情防疫措施各地对上海的好评一样，并不是有多热爱上海，而是一种期望能被理性对待和尊重的渴求，本片观众，尤其是女性观众未必不知道这并不是完全意义的上海的“真实”“现实”，而是一种冀望能被当成真正的人来理解、能过自己选择的生活而不必被人戳背脊指指点点的心理折射；所谓对费里尼的致敬不过是问费费大佬借了海报、剧照之类的外在梗，内里似乎更像是《欲望都市》式的意思；难得看到气氛好到如此程度的院线片，前前后后的陌生人都笑成一团；强烈建议在徐家汇商圈看本片，结束后可以顺道去天钥桥路白玉兰买蝴蝶酥
导演只看到了上海的表面，小资 文艺 浪漫。但上海人的底色、精神、时代气息没有抓到，柴米油盐生活化的场景只是略微体现了一丢丢。中年人的爱情除了爱更多的是处理生活。没有生活也只能是漂在空中的“神话”了。评分那么高也许是导演拍出了大家想象中的上海，但法租界不代表上海。
神似《四个婚礼和一个葬礼》，但毕竟是描写会烧菜的上海爷叔，所以变成了《四次下厨和一个葬礼》，老白全片确实下了四次厨房无误。
预定年度最佳，目前为止看过最好看的商业电影，有趣又有深度，难能可贵。
对爱情内核的探讨也只是小资的隔靴搔痒，到底没谈出什么东西来，文青喜欢这个也能理解。
喜欢。没想到这么好笑。欧洲电影的感觉。好像也只有上海，讲这样的故事还算搭调。除了一地鸡毛，沉痛悲情，还是可以有轻盈的中年嘛。
本片拍摄的主视角就出自男主角，而且是除了外貌一切都加分的完美人设，以至于让三个女人围着他转。倪虹洁演的富婆是哪根筋不对要找个不油腻的无姿色中年男人上床，吴越演的出轨前妻又是哪根筋不对要上竿子倒追前夫，就连全片唯一的独立女性马伊琍，经济上都供得起女儿上国际学校却要忍受跟老妈蜗居。合着女导演眼中的中国女性就这点儿眼力见了？怎么也该讲个三个男人追一个中年熟女的故事吧。
终于，我们有了一部讲述都市成年人世界、成年人爱情的，即有一定生活的正常气息，又有一些理想主义色彩，还夹杂了些文学青年（中年）乌托邦梦想的轻喜剧了。爆笑，以及，热泪，都是我真实的反应。
下半夜回家，在昏暗的楼梯被突然一阵水声吓得半死，转过头看到熟悉的大红色水桶，原来三楼又把那只乌龟放到家门口站岗……属于上海的烟火气啊，这也算其中一件吧～
精致，浪漫，刻薄可爱，宛如置身于上海的街道，迎面遇上一群似乎装腔作势又似乎原应如此的妙人。人到中年情转克制，克制的浓情本身也是一种浪漫。
很少看爱情、剧情类的电影会有这样平和的喜悦，甚至看到了李安《饮食男女》的影子，像是什么都看到了，但又好似什么都没看，细细回想却又有细腻绵长之感，难得。
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